Why I Write/FINALLY Getting Help

I fuck up with this whole weight loss thing.

A lot.  Sometimes, I think a bit more than others.

To be honest, I don’t blame anyone when they “unfollow me” or “unfriend” me on MyFitnessPal. I wouldn’t want to follow someone who consistently fails (but would make an effort to reach out to them and ask what’s going on, but that’s just me).

I think everyone knows that this isn’t easy; to change your ENTIRE lifestyle to become a healthier person isn’t a two-step or five-step process.

For some people it is. Great for them, but I shouldn’t be so down on myself for not exceeding expectations so quickly. I’m not like “everyone else”; we’re all individuals that need more or less time to blossom…

Actually, I’m one of those “late bloomers” your parents tell you so much about. Tehe.

But, when events happen in my life (like my last blog post), I simply write. It helps to focus on the problem and try to find resolution within the writing. I know I deter, but I realized that I can put this on the back burner; I’m 28 (soon to be 29) and I can’t let this dictate who I am.

To be honest, I really feel like it IS a big step for me.  Really.

I write because…

  • I hope someone like me finds this blog and can relate.
  • I hope they won’t feel alone with being bipolar and/or having family issues like I do.
  • I hope they know that they are totally deserving of love (and do a lot better than I do at loving their selves).

Well, I am working on that. I have my first counselor appointment in years this Monday. I also have a psychiatrist appointment on May 27th (the SOONEST a new patient can be seen).

My biggest  concern at the moment is the lack of food (ANY damn food) in this house and  my lack of funds. Even though I have a decent paying position, I’m still not at the big $40,000 until I’m brought on permanently.

So, there you have it. Feel free to unfriend, unfollow, etc. Perhaps you aren’t the reader I’m attracting. No hard feelings :)

 

 

 

I Died Again

Hello readers,

Today, I write the following blog post in brutal honesty. If you were wondering where I’ve been and why I’ve been silent (both here and on MyFitnessPal) here is why.

Multiple Trigger Warnings

I Died Again

During the night of April 11th, my Mom had another “episode”. I didn’t know until I came home on April 13th when I walked into another one.

I said “hi” to her when I came home on the morning of April 13th and everything seemed okay; she was completely normal.

It was about 20 minutes later after I had taken a shower that I found her. At this point, I had no idea what had transpired that Friday.

That’s when I noticed my Mom leaning over the kitchen counter on top of her coffee mug. She couldn’t move and there was a ton of powered creamer in the coffee; it was all down her night gown and she had it smeared on her face.

I immediately ran to her and shook her. Her eyes were barely open and she was unresponsive. This looked different to me from her previous episodes. I really thought that this was when my Mom was going to have a stroke and be crippled as a result of her past doings…

See, my Mom is a prescription pill addict/alcoholic. This has been going on since as early as I can remember from my childhood and a huge portion of where my anxiety comes from and affects me in all facets of my life.

When I use the term episode, I mean she took handfuls of pain pills (and/or drinking) and was totally stoned from its effects. She gets to the point where she doesn’t talk, doesn’t speak, but looks like she had a stroke. If she isn’t at that point, she walks around and does nonsensical things, like putting the remotes in the refrigerator, preparing dinner (terribly) at 3AM and even sleeping so soundly, she can’t be woken up by putting water on her face.

She turns into a mere shadow of who she used to be. Whenever this happens, I feel like I watched (or am watching) my mother die.

I also feel like a part of me dies when I see this…

It happens every time; every single, damn time.

Childhood

Also, just a quick side thought from me: If you think people cut themselves solely for attention, educate yourself before you say something so arrogant and hurtful: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm. I can’t tell you how horrible it was to be bullied for crying out for help and having your so-called “friends” in high school tell everyone…or people that I know now.

It’s gotten to the point that over the years, I literally watch her and know when she’s going to do something. I watch in horror as I know that mentally, she is not feeling like herself and another episode is imminent. I become/became so sad because I knew there was nothing I can do.

In middle school, it was the worst. That was a period of years when I started to cut myself with knives, scissors and was very, VERY angry. If someone was mean to me, I took it to the extreme and most painful way possible. I never hit anyone, but I never trusted anyone. It was in High School that I became verbally abusive towards “my fellow peers” if they were rude to me. Hell, in my defense, it got a lot of people far the hell away from me.

Because I was fat and no one wanted to be my friend, I cried a lot when I was younger (by myself). My Mom would be my friend (and still is), but she would go through these episodes and when it happened and she was like that, it was like she wasn’t with me at all. I felt so alone and so sad. Although my grandma (Nani) was always there for me, I just wanted my Mom. I also wanted my Dad to just be nice to me and be nice to my Mom. I felt like it didn’t help that he would always scream at her and call her names.

People were quick to say “Allison, you need not to depend on your Mom for your happiness”. That REALLY irritated me. It’s hard not to feel something when your mother does this and your entire house was upheaved. My Dad took it out on me a lot; no, I wasn’t hit, but if I did something like stay out with my grandmother and she bought me a toy or something, he would scream at me.

But if I was acting like a smart ass, he thought it was necessary to run at me while I walked upstairs and throw me against the wall. I tried closing the doors a few times and locking it, but he would literally get within inches of my face and he would spit as he screamed at me. He grabbed me a couple of times and shook me.

Well, I guess there were a few times he did hit me. He never apologized and I think that’s what hurt the most.

Nothing I ever did was right and if I tried to say “Dad, don’t act like this”, that only pissed him off more.

When these episodes happen, my family is torn apart. My Dad will scream at her, tell her she’s a bitch and acts like she’s mentally retarded and a failure as a human being. The next few days, all was “normal” and I was forced to act like we had a happy family.

My Relationship with Food

As you can probably imagine, I ate as a comfort mechanism. When I did eat when I was little, I was alone and it was night. At night, I felt super comfortable; no one was up to scream at me for breathing the wrong way and my Mom wasn’t doing anything like popping pills or doing crazy things. Food was great; I ate entire bags of chips and leftovers from dinner.

After Finding my Mom

After I found my Mom and I brought her to the hospital, my Dad and brother waiting up there. I went home to do the years-old ritual of my household: find mommy’s stash.

I went into the scrapbook room (her room) and went to the back of the desk and found the pills. I was so shocked to see her old “favorite”: a muscle relaxer called Soma.

It was then I used the scissors to open the mini packets. I stopped what I was doing and stared at them.

When I used to hurt myself a lot, it was for various reasons:

  • Guilt from feeling like this was somehow my fault
  • Was so depressed/in shock that I couldn’t feel anything and I WANTED to inflict pain
  • Wanting to see myself bleed and feel the sting

I remember actually laughing. I felt like I was in a nightmare and was ready for it to finally end. I not only wanted to hurt myself, but I wanted to fucking die. As in right there and then.

End, as in forever.

No more feeling pain, no more seeing my Mom kill herself with every episode, no one mad at me for having THE worst luck when it comes to employment, no one telling me I’m ugly or fat, no one telling me how to feel or telling me I’m an awful person for being Bipolar…Just, end. Done. Gone. Forever.

I kept staring at the scissors. I wanted to plunge them in my chest or cut my artery in my vein. After I fully realized what it was I wanted to do, I began to cry. And cry. And cry…

It was part happy and part sad. Happy because I felt emotion and knew I wanted to live and the other was sad for wanting to die in the first place.

It was about a half an hour later from that point (according to the clock), I simply put them down and got up from the chair.

After she was released from the hospital, I sat down and talked to her and told both of them how I felt. My Mom, still kind of out of it from the medicine earlier, said “Allison, if you promise to make a life for yourself, I promise to get my own…stop relying on me for you to start your life” (paraphrased).

That really hit me. It’s mostly true; I do try and make sure my Mom is always happy. I love being with my Mom, don’t get me wrong: she watches shows and all the horror moves with me. We go shopping together. My Mom is a wonderful person when she’s sober.

Me Now

Side note: I developed friends in my freshman year of high school, many which I still talk to. Those I were friends with or became friends with probably have no idea how much that all meant to me and still does. I have some friends now, so I’m not all alone. I also have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me for me.

So, this episode (sorry for the very long-winded explanations) has brought up some really old feelings and unresolved issues. I finally made the appointment with the psychiatrist (had to cancel he last one, long story) and am making an appointment with a counselor tomorrow during my lunch to talk to about both my eating habits and my stress/anxiety.

I sincerely didn’t mean to “bum anyone out” by writing this, but it does show you a side of me that is hurting and needs help.

I hope everyone had a safe and Happy Easter.

Check In April 6th

Current Weight: 311.70

Total Weight Loss: -4.00 Pounds

It's not another failure, it's another way to start again...the right way.

It’s not another failure, it’s another way to start again…the right way.

I can’t say that I’m not totally surprised. After I found out last Friday I got my new job, I went to my boyfriend’s house. We celebrated…with food.

Not that a good, totally-bad-for-you-meal isn’t warranted on special occasions, but we ate A LOT; so much, in fact, that on Saturday night, I felt really sick. Yuck.

This first week at work was also not without its downfalls (food wise). I was so nervous I was going to miss work or do something to mess up, I found myself “coping” with fast food in the morning. It was quick, caffeine was involved, and I didn’t savor it. After all, I was driving.

This led to me wanting to eat MORE.

To people who don’t have this issue with food, I know it sounds crazy.

Now, I’m going to tell you how bad this weight gain has affected me.

My Weight Gain

Usually, when I gain one week, I’m not surprised or don’t see it as a big deal (as I ALWAYS seem to find some excuse). However, I’m learning very quickly that creeping up back to 315 pounds will kill me if I keep living this way.

  1. The side of my legs hurt again. After I walk for ten minutes on a treadmill with no incline, the sides (facing outside, or posterior), in line with my ankle) of my legs hurt. BAD. I literally could not go any further; the pain was too much to bear.
  2. My knees hurt from just WALKING AROUND. If I stand for a minute or so, I feel like my knees hurt from baring so much weight. This is insane.
  3. My breathing is bad. I’m afraid if I keep living this way, I’ll have sleep apnea. Hell, maybe I already do.

Among all the other reasons of wanting to lose weight, these are uber important. Maybe it’s a good wake up call.

Psychiatric Appointment

I had to cancel my psychiatric appointment. Now that I work 9-5, it’s going to be a challenge to find a psychiatrist. Luckily, I’ve found a few on Saturdays. Whew. I’m calling the office tomorrow on my lunch break.  I’ll have to go from there.

Check In March 29th/GREAT NEWS!

Weight Update

Current Weight: 307.50 pounds

Total Weight Loss: 3.5 pounds

It’s been about a week or so since my last entry. At TOPS yesterday, I lost 3.5 pounds. Yay!

GREAT News

Well, I have some great news. I found a job through a different staffing agency. I had to go downtown for it (which is something I despise with a fiery passion) to interview with the agency itself before I went to the interview at this place. The place itself isn’t too far away from where I live.

I interviewed last Friday. I was his first interview for the position. It went super well. I didn’t mess up or anything (or say something that I knew was a deal breaker for the position).

The agency told me this was a “decent paying” job. I thought I was going to make what I did at my last place through a different job agency: about $12 per hour (this previous job agency has given me such B.S. over the past couple of years, and to be honest, I’m glad I’m with this one now). I was used to the fact that I will always be paid a “slave” wage and basically, never move out of my house.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, this temp to perm job starts at $15.50 an hour and once I’m permanent, I’m being switched to a salary of about $40,000. Yes…

A YEAR.

Here’s a rundown of the conversation I had on the phone with my job agency yesterday:

*Phone ringing, sees that it’s the job agency, picks up phone with haste*

Job Agency: “Hello, Allison?”

Me: “Yes?”

Job Agency: “I just spoke to (my new boss’s name). He said you were very professional and really liked your skills….”

At this point, I thought I was going to hear “however, he went with another candidate”, which I heard SO many times over the past few years, that I instantly became numb.

But then…

Job Agency: “He wants to make you an offer”

I was um…

Well…

From screen capture found on Web

 

From www.inflatechan.net

From: www.planetcalypsoforum.com

 

Me: *After about three solid seconds* SERIOUSLY?

Job Agency: *Laughing* Why didn’t you think you get it?

I basically just said things like this never happened to me, and I was so excited.  She also reminded me NOT to say “SERIOUSLY” to my new boss. Haha! I would never do that, but at that point, I had no words.

I am seriously stoked. I start Monday and my overwhelming joy has turned into nervousness.

Business Attire and Me

Later, my now new boss sent me an e-mail asking me to come in Monday at 10AM (I usually start at 8-9, depending on the need) so he can set my desk/area up. He mentioned they wear business attire.

PROFESSIONAL business attire.

I have two suits. One of those suits I interviewed in and the other is a deep purple with a skirt.

Luckily, I saved my money from my tax refund and am going to a few stores today to see what I can get. I’m SO glad he told me beforehand.

So, in all, I’m super excited and also super nervous. We celebrated last night with Chinese and I over ate, but we were all having so much fun. I can safely say I feel much better today and didn’t lose my grip on over eating.

Today, I go out with my boyfriend to celebrate/look for more suits.

Check in March 21st

I need Help.

There. I finally said it.

I don’t like admitting it, but I try by myself. I realize this is way too big of a problem to conquer by myself (binge eating). My other mental health issues, such as my bi-polar and depression, is also slowly starting to crawl into my life again.

I finally made a psychiatrist appointment for the 8th.  Hopefully, she can recommend someone, such as a therapist, to help with my binge eating. I know I won’t see this doctor for a week or so, but it’s a good step.

Weight Gain (NOT Loss)

I lost a pound last week, but this week it was bad. REALLY bad.

It’s mostly due to stress both on a personal and professional level. I lost my job…well, no, didn’t lose my job. I was temp to hire, but not all of us were brought on. It sucks, but maybe it was for the better. I didn’t feel like I was really working, more like tortured for eight and half hours and then went home. I was at a call center for a popular fast food place, but this line was meant for the managers to call in and place orders (among other things, like quality control issues). It was stressful, because even though it wasn’t the conventional public calling in, many of them were SO RUDE, as in threatening my job, swearing and overall bitterness towards the company I worked for.

I take responsibility for my actions. I could have dealt with my problems the more mature way, but I bailed on myself. I think that’s what finally hit me in the head: I failed myself. 

I had an episode of depression that I am still getting over. I was really irritated, sad and angry. My boyfriend was over, trying to help make me happy, but depression isn’t something you can clap your hands and say “I won’t be sad anymore”. Nothing really helps it. It was beautiful out and I physically felt okay, but wow. I was so easy to anger. I hated it.

I crawled back onto my healthy lifestyle again. Today, I’m under my calories for the first time in about three weeks.

via numerous fails websites

Yeah, yikes.

 

I almost feel like I’m starting from the beginning.

Spring Equinox

On a Pagan note, the Spring Equinox was yesterday (and also, my late Nani’s birthday). Spring marks the first day of spring (obviously), but it also marks new beginnings. Today, I didn’t over eat. I was actually under my calorie range and feeling great. I have plenty of time to exercise and am feeling like I can do this.

To new beginnings. I really feel like I can do this again. I have all the tools in front of me. I don’t want to fail myself again!

Blog for Mental Health 2014

MentalHealthBadge

 For more information on the Blog for Mental Health 2014 project, please click this!

“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”  

The Blog For Mental Health Project is a project raising awareness and erasing the stigma of mental health.

I’ve blogged A LOT about my mental health.  Going back to my blog post relating about “keeping it real”, I want to be very upfront about my personal struggle and how it not only affects my life, but people you may not even know.

I. Being bi-polar doesn’t automatically make you “crazy” (thanks, U.S. media!)

Heck no. Many people who are bipolar do not kill people and drive their car into a wall. Many of us seek treatment when we are feeling “out of control”.  As for others, it usually does not end up in violence or other forms of aggression.

As for teenagers, however, that is a different story. Teens many not understand what is happening to them and choose to act out. Please have some sort of vague understanding when you’re dealing with a younger person with mental illness. It is only hurting them when you yell at them and say “just act normal”.

II. You will not “catch” being bi-polar or “crazy”

This may seem common sense, but many people (again, thanks good, ole US media) lack the common sense to realize that mental health is often hereditary and a result from many factors, including environmental. As for bi-polar disorder, it is an umbrella term for the many spectrum bi-polar has.

III. It hurts when you generalize people, including those with mental illness

It’s not fun to be lumped into one, happy and convenient category for your amusement. Imagine a time where you were a part of a group, team or otherwise, and someone generalized you. Perhaps you didn’t’ do it or you just found out someone in your group did it. Alas, you are now part of that group. People will stigmatize you forever.

Not fun, right? Definitely.

This is one of many posts on mental illness for FatAllie. Stay tuned!

 

Binge Eating and “Surrendering” to a High Power

When I first realized I had a problem with eating, my eating patterns and the way I felt about eating, I knew I really needed some PROFESSIONAL help.

However, I was in college and did not have any money to spare (literally; if my parents gave me five bucks, I could use some spare change and that five bucks to drink coffee for the next few days. It was a GREAT week). I tried joining an organization called Overeater’s Anonymous.
The first meeting was, well, odd. I felt really awkward being the youngest person there.

I was told there were phone meetings and that I could even listen for free. The idea seemed great; talking about it really helped.

I found a book, Overeater’s Anonymous at Half Price Books (which I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE *INHALE* LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE) and began reading.

It became abundantly clear that the whole premise was surrendering to God (or other deity) because you are weak and cannot solve this problem yourself (the same premise as Alcoholic’s Anonymous).

This is where I whole heartedly disagree (and find a bit disturbing). I’m an intelligent woman. I may not know everything, but I sure as Hell know that saying that I am weak will get me absolutely nowhere*.

I also know that chemicals (including alcohol and our entire metabolism) have a very dramatic effect on the brain. Chemicals do everything to signaling that you’re hungry all the way to “I’m full” and “I have to poop, NOW”. It’s very hard to go against what our brain says sometimes. The urge to eat when you’re actually VERY hungry is almost debilitating. The need to sleep when we’re near exhaustion is also debilitating as well, but I digress.

Whatever happened to personal responsibility? One of the many reasons Hekate is my matron Goddess is because she encourages you to do and think for yourself. She is not one to coddle when you know what you need to do. Life is hard, but sometimes, we have to suck it up when we’ve exhausted our pity cards.

That being said, I’m making an appointment to see a psychiatrist soon. Perhaps he can recommend a therapist for my issues as well as a medication adjustment thanks to my newly-acquired insurance (very long story short, I DO need to be on medication and am now pro-active on what has to go in my system versus just going along whatever they want to throw into my body).

 ______________________________________________________________________

*I’m hoping my readers know the difference between saying “I need help” versus “I’m too weak and should just give up” mentality I’m speaking about here. I definitely do not condone skipping help/professional help if you truly need it; I’m just condemning giving up when YOU can take charge of a situation YOU have control over.

I made a workout boo boo…

Source: http://www.yourfitstore.com/Gym-equipment-Weight-Plate-and-Stack-Machines-Stack-machine-Stack-Machines-Upper-Body/c8_11_14_306/index.html

Although it wasn’t pink, this is basically what I used; for source of image, hover above image

I was doing the incline press. I felt good; I also did some other arm exercises (including the decline press machine) and I pushed myself. Afterwards, I felt really good. I did a mere 35 pounds (yes, that is how vastly out of shape I am).

But, because it was right after work and I just wanted to get out, I didn’t stretch. As a result, my triceps are in more pain than anything I can ever imagine.

Yes, you may bring on the “boos”; I’m a dumb-dumb.

Washing my hair is next to impossible. It’s kind of funny (perhaps in a pathetic way) that I look like I have no control of my arms. I worked out the rest of my body as well, but those parts are not in any pain right now. I done messed up.

I used to be a nursing assistant some years ago. I remember helping residents who needed help with their activities of daily living, such as washing their hair/grooming. I never felt as I did for them as I do now.

Even sitting here typing is mildly uncomfortable. They just freaking ache! It does help to massage them, though. By tomorrow, I should be fine. Also, I want to work with the dumb bells themselves, but as of now, I am way too chicken shit to go over to the free weights area. I’m working on it, though.

I learned my lesson: ALWAYS make time to warm up and ALWAYS make time to cool down.

Also, bump for the Nerd Fitness article: http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2012/01/16/how-to-stretch/

Also, you may have noticed that the site looks a bit different. That’s because I got off my lazy behind and actually updated it. I love it. I love the color scheme.  Hurray!

A Re-Introduction

I recently joined a coven (yes, people: I’m a witch) and these simple words, along with some well-needed and long overdue meditation, really hit home with me:

“Be true to yourself…”

Be true to myself. That’s something I’ve been struggling with for a long time. I think we can all relate to that.

Although I started this blog to log my journey, I really haven’t been “real”.  There are so many things that I hold in because I don’t think that people will enjoy on this blog.

Well, it’s time to change that. I think it’s time to re-introduce myself:

My name is Allie. I’m a food addict, binge eating, awkwardly social, INJF-personality (having)?, cat loving, horror writer, artist game-playing bi-polar girl who is trying to lose weight.

Yes, there it is: who I really am.

I also have another blog that you may or may not know about: Stupidity and Paganism. It’s basically just me sounding off on the Pagan community and the general bigotry that it holds.

It’s not that I’m a total a-hole all the time; it’s just that there are some people who are so stupid that an actual “intelligent” argument is useless. A showcase, in my opinion, is much more effective.

More on “real Allie” later. For now, I do my taxes. #adulttime

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